5 Ways Perfection Fails Us
“Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.” — Salvador Dali
My mom and then-fiance were standing in her kitchen. He leaned against the laminate faux-butcher-block counters, scarred by years of use, as she talked.
“She’s a perfectionist,” she told him. “You have to help her, Marshall.”
As they talked, I was on my cell phone in her den, dealing with the work crisis du jour. Marshall and I were recently engaged. We were visiting Mom in South Carolina, spending some time with her before I would move far away to Colorado to live with him.
Marshall didn’t tell me about that conversation that day. He didn’t tell me for a few years. But he understood what she was telling him: I need to learn to cut myself a break. Maybe he could help me.
When he first shared with me what Mom said, my first reaction was, “Wow, am I that bad? So bad my mom felt I needed some kind of perfection intervention?” The answer was yes.
I can’t pinpoint the exact time when the need to be perfect began.
I can remember learning to print the alphabet in first grade on light brown, line-marked paper. I made sure that the descendent on letters like “j” and “g” hit their exact marks, while uppercase letters like “D” and “S” fit perfectly in their prescribed spaces. My stomach would knot when I failed. I’d bring out my eraser and try again.
As a youth, I played shortstop on a recreational softball team. Looking back, I can say I was pretty good. A lot of balls came my way and most of the time I scooped them up and threw out the runner. I never focused on those plays. Instead, I would be consumed by the one ball that slipped through my legs.
Fast-forward to early adulthood, and I still couldn’t relax. I was a newspaper reporter. If a typo somehow escaped my eyes and my editors, well, let’s just say I couldn’t sleep for the next few nights.
I had to start sleeping with a night guard in my mouth. Otherwise, I would wake up to find a piece of tooth I managed to chip off through the death clench of my jaw.
I was good at hiding my problem. Most people remarked about my calmness or how I never seemed to get my feathers ruffled. This gift of hiding the truth served me well when I began working in media relations. Instead of interviewing others, I was the one being interviewed. They never saw me sweat.
Cool as a cucumber on the outside. Inside, I was barely breathing. Occasionally I gasped for breath to relieve the tension that was building inside me, like a pressure cooker letting out steam.
When I met Marshall, I was intrigued by the deliberateness in which he moved. His manner reminded me of Mr. Miyagi from Karate Kid. (Interestingly, Marshall can catch a fly with his fingers.) He was completely present with what he was doing or with whom he was talking. I, on the other hand, would be worried about the two words I just said while simultaneously worrying about the next two words I would say.
I lived in a state of constant exhaustion; he had energy to be in the moment.
Yes, Mom, you were right. I needed help.
For anyone struggling with perfection, I understand its debilitating pull, how limiting it can be.
Here are some good reasons to stop worrying about elusive perfection.
1. No one cares. That’s right. No one expects us to be perfect. And honestly, most people are too busy in their own heads and lives to notice when we do or say something we consider a failure.
2. There is no joy in perfection. Joy isn’t found in the destination. It’s through the journey, the trial and error, that we find our true selves, our passions. That’s where we find joy. Perfection is bland and leaves no room for growth.
3. Striving for perfection doesn’t allow for spontaneity. Once we are fixated on perfection, we don’t see the beauty in everyday moments or take chances on the less-traveled road. Perfection requires planning, and often the beautiful moments in life happen in the space of the unexpected.
4. Perfection syndrome hampers creativity. This isn’t just for the performing and visual artists out there. Business also requires creative problem-solving. So do families and relationships. Being willing to try something new without knowing the result is the creative spark that makes great things happen.
5. Perfectionism is exhausting. Constant checking and cross-checking are mentally and physically exhausting. This exhaustion can lead to insomnia, anxiety, illness and chronic inflammation.
I am still working on letting go of self-judgments. I understand the value in being vulnerable, but I know it will take time to unlearn my deeply entrenched beliefs. Through breathwork, yoga, meditation and other rituals I’ve embraced over the last decade, I am making progress.
Perfection holds us back from reaching our true human potential. Breathe, smile, unclench that jaw and start to fly. The view will be fabulous from up there.